You've seen them. It's a common epidemic in modern American Christianity. You know the ones...
....Vanilla Trees.
He's the guy who's just Nice. Nothing wrong with him. But nothing interesting either. He's just there, existing. Stephen Sondheim captured it brilliantly in his Tony award winning musical, "Into the Woods" - a character sings "You're so nice. You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice." That's what I think of when I encounter the Vanilla Tree. Just nice. I've heard so many men described to me as "nice." It's not a word I want used to describe the man God sets aside for me. (more on that later)
Why do I use the combination of the words vanilla and tree to describe these guys? Let me explain:
Women are affectionate beings for the most part. I am anyway. Physical touch is a massive portion of my love language. I love hugs. And Girlfriend, sister, and mama hugs are awesome. But sometimes, a girl needs a man to hug her, to remind her of the protection, strength and support of God in her life.
A few years ago, a friend and I were discussing the difference in hugs from men in our lives. There's the Brother - Bear Hug. This is the kind of hug I was just talking about - supportive and loving - not sexual, just loving - like a brother. Other than my own brothers and dad, I have two guys in my life who hug me like that. My friends, Kim & Betsy, both have husbands that hug me so thoroughly it's sometimes a little hard to breathe. HA! There's also the sparked hug - the one hug with the chemistry.... it's a guy you like, are attracted or just can't explain the chemistry... you know the hug. It's full of energy, tension....mystery...it's sparked.
And then....
There's the guy who hugs you but really, it's more you hugging him than him you. It's like hugging a tree. He's stiff, unwilling to give anything of himself in the exchange, and awkwardly puts his arms on your shoulders because he doesn't know what the heck he's doing. Or maybe He feels like if there's any heart in what he's doing, it'll require some attention from a woman or he'll have her thinking he's interested or whatever. I don't know. But it's like hugging a tree. In fact, I'd even posit that hugging a tree might be more beneficial. Trees have less issues.
The conversation with my buddy turned to these "Tree" guys who are just "nice"...and nothing more. We talked about how they walk around church and gain a reputation for being "nice guys"...but nothing more. Their sense of humor is bland and boring. They are listless, and have nothing in the way of conversation to offer. They barely talk of the exciting nature of their relationship with God. They stand around the crowd of friends with hands in their pockets with not much to say, or have the thrill of a kid's train ride at the fair.
In essence, these guys are spice-less. Plain Vanilla. There's nothing saucy about them, nothing daring or even exciting. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying I'm looking for the "bad boy"....but where's the Warrior, the Man of God - the Mighty Man of Valor that described David, Joshua, Jeroboam, Namaan? These weren't dudes who sat around were described as "nice." Do you catch my drift? These "Nice" guys don't talk about the exciting things that God's doing in their life, they don't don't demonstrate anything but flaccid and wan lives that aren't dangerous at all. There's no risk for them. They won't even risk their heart to ask out a girl. They stand by and watch as their friends get engaged, married, or even just date. There's nothing of spice to them. Vanilla.
Heck, I'm not even asking for Jalapeno type saucy....Cinnamon or Clove is good enough for me. But seriously, these guys are as emotionally giving as a tree, and have about as much flavor as a piece of cardboard. Now don't get me wrong. These "nice" guys are nice. They'll lend a helping hand if you ask, they'll even offer sweet platitudes for your bad days. Generally, however, that's all they do. And let me say, some women are content with vanilla and sweet platitudes. I, however, want more than Vanilla.
By more than Vanilla, the kind of guy that piques my interest isn't the one who regurgitates everything I say. He isn't the kind of guy that's described as "nice" by the ladies at church. He's the one that people describe as extraordinary, amazing, a man of character. Someone you hear the phrase "He's the kind of guy that I want my daughter to be with"... to describe. He's the kind of guy who has a sense of humor that doesn't amount to lame-o puns or laughing at potty humor.
He's not Vanilla - He's not boring and spice-less. He's more than just "Nice."
He's not a Tree - He's not willing to just stand by like a tree. He's more than just "Nice."
No Vanilla Trees. Just say No.
Comments (15)
lol, i KNOW what you mean.
While I do agree with you on this I do want to offer an explanation for some of the things that we fellas do. Not making excuses here...just offering an explanation for behavior.
I am 31 years old and relationships with women (esp single women) in the church are as confusing as the day is long. We have been given conflicting information about everything from the way to talk to women, to how long and appropriate certain hugs are. Let me tell you, nothing is as weird / uncomfortable as the "no parts touching" hug. Sadly, the kind of hugs that you are mentioning are the kind that we dudes have had drilled into our heads under the category of "wrong". Personally, I LOVE giving hugs and really like ones given to my female friends. Though, because of these rules that seem rooted in the 17th century, I rarely give those kinds of hugs unless we have had a long conversation about boundaries before hand. Confusing and frustrating? Heck yes.
The whole "just be good" matra is a plauge on men in the church. We have had this drilled into our heads for years...be a good man and some woman will recognize it...but also be Wild at Heart while supporting and holding up the Four Pillars of a Man's Heart and fighting every Man's/Young Man's/ Husbands Battle...Holding onto the Sacred Romance while striving for Passion and Purity...oh and while you are at it, Kiss Dating Goodbye...tiptoe along the Boundaries in Dating....and remember, somehow...somewhere out there...Boy Meets Girl...
If I am going to be completely honest, I struggle with being one of these Vanilla guys. Mainly because I spent too much time listening to what the church had to say about relationships rather that what Christ says about relationships. Though, a lot of girls EXPECT guys to act vanilla...unless they are interested in him. Then they expect him to be something more than what they expected of him before. See why we are confused??
brilliant. of course. I heart this so much.
@DiggsAKADavidStone - so are you saying God's not the author of confusion, but the church is and is to blame for "vanilla trees" issues? I don't see that. I've read all the books you listed and I seem to relate fine with guys when they aren't trying to hurt me.
Heck yes!!! Rec rec rec !
I partially agree with this post, but I also feel DiggsAKADavidStone's confusion and stress.
An interesting post. I know I am a pretty good person, though not without a wild side. I'm certainly not bland, I'm quite sure. As stated by @DiggsAKADavidStone - , though, many men are afraid to be accused of inappropriate behavior or language, and maybe get tagged as a pervert. This can lose you a job, or, I would imagine, get you shunned in a church that you enjoy attending.
you get a million points in my book for quoting sondheim. to quote from the same musical ' nice is different than good.'
Well said!! ~L
@spokenfor - What I am saying by referencing those books is that the church has muddied the waters quite a bit by not addressing the issue of dating in any consistent manner. While I agree with the entirety of this post, I also am arguing that many guys are pegged as vanilla unfairly. A lot of our confusion has to do with inconsistent teaching on the topic.
We are told to be open and welcoming, while never leading a girl on. You see, the Christian subculture expects us men to be mind readers and
just to KNOW when someone likes us. Women are expected to wait, men
are expected to read minds. We are expected to determine, to the best of our abilities...without the benefit of being a mind reader, which girls would welcome a good hug and which girls would kick us in the giblets for our efforts. What we end up doing is holding off because we don't know whats going on in your heads and we would rather NOT get labeled as a pervert or weird because we give an extra long or warm hug to someone.
No guy, no matter who he is, likes getting kicked in the man parts.
What I would ask for is very simple: grace.
You never know what Mr. Vanilla has experienced. Maybe he was the really fat kid in High School that girls would only dance with because she lost a bet (happened to me), or maybe he has had his heart broken way too many times, maybe he is just tired of playing the Christian Dating Guessing Game...which often times resembles the maturity of a Junior High game of who likes whom. Maybe he is tired of not meeting the impossibly high standards that Christian women hold men to. Mr Vanilla may need a good friend to help draw him out, or maybe he needs some clear teaching on the subject. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that there are guys out there who are boring, who hug like a tree, and tell bland jokes but they should not be as prevalent as they are in the church. Thus, I can only conclude that there is some other factor in the church making him vanilla. Just a thought.....
@DiggsAKADavidStone - Here's the problem I have with your comment, David: The men in scripture - those Mighty Men of Valor - they weren't afraid to BE the men God would have them be. They didn't make excuses, they just acted as God called them to. They weren't perfect, by any stretch, one look into the life of King David will tell you that. All in all, there is a lot of excuses for guys in churches (I reserve the right to not call them MEN until they act like it) to act the way they do. To be emotionally uninvested and to waffle around. Truthfully, there is no excuse. God has made clear his plan for men to be men. I wish that guys would stop making excuses and just BE the man God made them to be.
Secondly, I - personally - consider your assessment of what women want from men to be for them. When Men are MEN the way God intends them to be, it makes women become better women of God and vice versa. Outside of my brothers and father, I have men in my life who are Men and they bless me just by existing. By praying for me as a sister, and loving me and inviting me into their lives as such. Mostly they're married because married guys tend too get it - it's far less self-involved that they are. See, the confusion, I believe is from Single people being entirely selfish and self-focused. They're too busy worrying about what will get them a spouse or out of their circumstances and are NOT about serving Christ first, keeping their eyes Fixed on their Eternal Hope.
And for the record, I don't want guys to simply be "good". I want more. I desire more for their lives - my brothers in Christ - I want them to live dangerous adventures for Christ. Expecting a guy to act Vanilla? I only expect a guy to act Vanilla when he's proven himself to be nothing more. I hope for more. I have waited for vanilla trees to come out of their shells but it never happens. They get complacent and comfortable and never get off their butts to change in Christ.
What I have to say to men who are Vanilla is Stop Excusing the Behavior. Look to Christ for the example. HE was not Vanilla. He was Passion defined, not boring, Dig into Scripture. Throw out books and other people's opinions. Stop looking at books about relationships and start looking at God's word about what it means to be a MAN - God's style. Ya know? That's what I would say. There may be a explanation for behavior, but no excuses.
@spokenfor - @NightCometh - @Theater_Pixie - @empress8411 - Thanks, ladies. :D
@lonelywanderer2 - I can understand that, but I don't believe to live in fear is God's plan for any man or woman. If Men would act like Godly men, they way God would have them be - this wouldn't even be an issue. Honestly, there's no promise it will be easy or even without accusations that could hurt or harm you -- but Radical, Ruthless Trust in God would trust that God knows and protects. We have an Advocate bigger than false accusation. Recently, I heard a speaker say "We can protect ourselves right out of our calling." -- and It's so true. Men & Women alike live in fear and act out of self-preservation and neither fulfill their calling or destinies let alone their commands to edify the body (brothers & sisters) & LOVE like Christ.
Very, very interesting, Amanda. Especially those last comments.
Amen, sistah!
Although, I must say, I think it would be interesting if guys would write about the kind of women they desire, the kind of women God wants them to be. I have yet to see one of those entries. But if I did see one, I suspect many women...er, girls... would fall short, too. Somehow, it stands to reason that there are just as many females lacking the courage to be women as there are males lacking the courage to be men.
@LaDamedeShallot - I could not agree more. Fear, I'm learning right now, is the thing holding women AND men likewise from being all that God wants them to be! But HIS plan is so much greater. And gratefully, his grace is all-sufficient. :D