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Monday, 04 July 2011

  • Currently
    Passion: Here For You
    By Passion Band
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    Nicaragua Update

    Back from Nicaragua and here's a bullety post to kind of hit some snapshots of the week. I will most more in-depth stuff as it processes, but for now here's some highlights:

    * Jesus me ve, Jesus me conoce, Jesus me quiere, Jesus me ama

    * There are no words for how much beauty I saw in a place of such squalor. I can't wait to upload pictures. Too bad my stupid computer is being a jerk.

    * We laughed so hard that my sides still hurt from it all. I don't think I've laughed so much in my entire life. Such an explosion of joy and happiness in the midst of a sad and broken world. There was healing in that.

    * One little girl captured my heart. I only got a few hours with her before she was taken to the police station to testify against the men who had held her for the next few days. All I have of her are a few snapshots, and a letter written in haste to me before she left. Praying to God that she knows remembers that she is seen, known, wanted and loved.

    * Agape Love has no language barrier.

    * Oscar & Vilma are family. I may never remove the bracelet Vilma gave me.

    * Reading books, hearing others tell of it, and thinking you "know" stuff will never make you fully understand something - you have to experience it for yourself.

    * Visiting the Volcano at Masaya left me pondering at the fact that something so infinitely destructive can be so awe-inspiring beautiful. There is something beautifully redemptive about that.

    * Nothing bonds people quicker than uncomfortable circumstances.

    * Also, those same kinds of circumstances show the kind of person you really are. We immediately were thrown into rooms with no a/c (not planned) & later rode around in an open bed truck in monsoon like rain. We laughed & ate up the experience like it was fresh water. We had far more fun than was possible for other people in the world. I'm thankful for a group that was jovial even in discomfort.

    * Tonight, driving home from a brief dinner with some team members and looking at pictures, I felt like the light might have returned to my eyes. Can't wait to see Betsy to see if she agrees. I hope so. :)

    * We ate so much food. Goodness gracious. Meat fests!

    * Fellowship. Community. Unity. Love. Hope.

    * The five men on this trip proved my heart wrong. They loved us, protected us, guarded us, treated us like treasures, broke with us, served us and shared hearts with us appropriately. They proved gave me hope. And they told me that what happened to me was very wrong. They defended me. Nothing more healing than knowing Godly men want to defend you. Thank God for my newest brothers.

    * Unexpected friends are the best.

    * We visited three brothels & Prayed over the women there. Man, oh man. This hasn't even really fully hit me yet.

    * One of my new friends - He IS Jim Halpert. I want him to be my best friend in the world. The source of my hilarium (our new word) and laughter. I miss his laugh already. Brilliant wit.

    * Men with gentle hearts, humble spirits and strength of character - such tremendous gifts for women who have been hurt and children that have been damaged.

    * Laughter is universal and healing...so are tears.

    * It was good to cry and not be crying because of the reasons I cried when I left.

    * I love to see God work. I love to see young believers see God move - it helps my faith be increased as I watch them watch with wide-eyed wonder at what God does. My prayer is for God to continue to increase my faith, to continue to grow me with the same wide-eyed wonder at his hand.

    *...more to come....

Saturday, 28 May 2011

  • Currently
    The Back-Up Plan
    By Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Loughlin, Michaela Watkins, Eric Christian Olsen, Noureen DeWulf
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    well...because I can and I'm needing to keep occupied tonight...

    Are you dating the last boy you talked to?
    No. :(

    Who last made you cry?
    that answer above should tell you.

    When is the last time you took a nap?
    Today, and it was muy necessary.

    What are you listening to right now?
    The Back-Up Plan is on tv right now...so I'm listening to Jennifer Lopez and Alex O'Laughlin be all in love and stuff.

    Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
    Mama

    What was on your mind most today?
    See the answer to the first two questions.

    Something that happened today that made you angry?
    Yes. I cried at a text message.

    Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
    Depends. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I write, but I always process.

    Do you wear makeup?
    yes. Although the last two months I've not worn any mascara. It's pointless.

    Are you missing someone?
    Terribly.

    Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
    Yes...and more than that usually.

    What are you doing tonight?
    I'm doing it. :) Watching TV, relaxing, reading, txting friends...

    Do you have any siblings?
    Two older brothers

    Do you get along?
    yes.

    What is the last letter of your middle name?
    E. It's an awesome middle name.

    Is the last person you kissed older than you?
    I've never been kissed.


Sunday, 15 May 2011

  • Broken Princess

    Once upon a time, innocence believed in fairy tales.
    Then monsters came, early - breaking innocent.
    But still I held on, believing one day...
    Princes around me, twirling tiaras for others.
    Monsters came again, looking like,
    Princes, Soldiers and Brothers.
    This time, they broke me true.
    Left me damaged, crippled, hurt and hard.

    And what I believed turned
    To reality for everyone but me.
    And so, the story goes...

    This girl broke, she fell apart.
    Locked up what was left of her heart,
    Monsters can't eat what's hidden away
    Since princes are only a dream anyway,
    Shoved into a dark tower,
    Broken, undone...and alone.
    Unwanted, rejected and left...
    alone.

    Once upon a time came around again
    This time, the light broke in with him.
    Hope dawned - a bright new day...
    One Star saw the princess within and called me so
    Against all odds, I believed with faith
    That he was different and wouldn't leave but stay
    Just within reach, I touched my dream.
    Breathed for the first time,
    Awakened with hope, dreams and what might be.

    And what I believed became reality for me
    For a split second a crown on my heart
    And the story goes..

    This girl, broke the darkness apart
    I unlocked what was left of my heart
    Knew monsters were gonna be kept away
    Because there was a prince to save the day.
    Pulled from the dark tower,
    Brilliant, Sweet and Alive
    Alive...

    But fairy tales aren't real.
    And good things never last
    I believed the Prince would stay
    Instead, he chose to walk away -
    Monsters came back, lurking with lies
    Nightmares came true eating my life

    No, No, fairy tales aren't real..
    There's no princess here,
    Just one more time on the merry go round,
    Different story, Different players,
    Same ending.
    No happily ever after for me.


    And so the story goes...


    This girl broke, she fell apart.
    Locked up what was left of her heart,
    Monsters can't eat what's hidden away
    Since princes are only a dream anyway,
    Shoved into a dark tower,
    Broken, undone...and alone.
    Unwanted, rejected and left...
    alone.

    And so the story goes....
    Reality for every one else, maybe
    but not for me.
    No, happily ever after for me
    yeah, so the story goes.

Thursday, 07 April 2011

  • Currently
    Metal & Wood
    By Tyrone Wells
    see related

    Radically Single: Labels

    Yes, Radically Single is making an appearance. I'm not in a fury to write every single Radically Single blog that comes to mind, although there are plenty brewing. ;) For now, this seems to be a bit appropriate for me right now. Enjoy!
    *****************************************

    Over the last week, I found myself in a Hallmark store twice. Looking for cards, as you might suspect. I found a card similar to one my ex-boyfriend gave me about two weeks into our relationship. It had a smiley face, and basically said "this is how you make me feel." Smiley, apparently is what new love felt like to him. Maybe my ex had the emotional capacity of a M&M - and I'm not talking about the cute talking M&M's in the commercials...I digress. While there, I saw a lot of cards to Lovers and the kind that say stuff like "you make me burn with desire" or "I can't live without you another day right beside me". All the rather serious kind of love that you find yourself in once you're fully settled into a fully developed relationship where those three terrifying words are fair game.

    What I noticed is that there aren't any cards for people in a relationship that might just be starting...or even one that has been going but is maybe a bit terrified of the significant other type stuff.... I mean, you can hardly give a card to a new fella in your life that says "I love you" right? They'd run away faster than the lead horse in the Kentucky Derby.

    I decided that what Hallmark needs new sections of relationship cards. First is a set of cards for "more than friends but less than something" and a set of cards for "just friends" (i.e....a bit more serious than a real friend, but still in denial about what is really going on). They might also need a section of cards specifically for "Pre-The 'L' Word Relationships." Heck, while they're at it, let's go ahead and give a section of cards for "Too old or highfaluting for boyfriend/girlfriend terms"....or "Cards for your Lady friend." Wait, how about cards for the "I don't know what the heck is going on but something's brewing"? Oh, I'm  missing the "We're not dating" cards for people who refuse to realize that what they're doing is really dating by the amount of time they spend together. Or how about the "We're just meeting for coffee - I don't know if I want to get much deeper" cards....and of course, the "I don't want to commit" card section - that would include cards of apology for screwing up major holidays with no engagement ring. Yup, I think that about covers it. And it might take over the whole Hallmark store.....hmmm...

    I've noticed a trend in recent years, as a single person among single people that labels and definitions are supremely important. Being "friends" is a stage in a relationship...and there is of course my most loathed phrase "just friends" which diminishes every single bit of the relationship by saying it's "JUST" something. But that's a whole other post.... There's also a whole realm of undefined relational goo going on too. People who are technically dating but not calling it that and in fact are calling it nothing at all. Avoiding a label like it'll cause the two involved to spontaneously combust and the entire universe to end. There's also a whole set of singletons who are over 30 and think the terms boy-friend and girl-friend are childish/teenagery and refuse to utilize the term for their ...well whatever they call them.

    Personally I don't have a problem with those terms. I find though that people just don't want to label dating, relationships or the people in their life. It's weird. Single people will pull all the stops to get creative in calling someone just a "friend" so as to not chase off better options but also keep that "friend" on hold just in case. In a society obsessed with labels, categories and nice clean politically correct terms...Relationship terminology and relationships in general have become nebulous and unclear.  So much so, that as a single person, you often feel like you're driving in a heavy fog where you cannot see more than a few feet in front of you. And even then...you might drive right off a cliff. Eesh...

    Labels are stupid, yes. But sometimes, you gotta call a spade a spade. If you're dating someone, you're dating someone. If you like them and you are hanging out - it's dating. If you hold their hand, it's dating. If you spend time investing in their life to further the relationship, it's dating. Grow up, and put a label on the dang thing. It's ok. You will not explode in a consuming fire if you call what you're doing dating. You will, however, risk losing everything if you leave anyone hanging for too long. Just sayin'....

Sunday, 27 March 2011

  • Currently
    Anne of Green Gables: The Collection
    By Megan Follows, Colleen Dewhurst, Richard Farnsworth, Patricia Hamilton, Marilyn Lightstone
    see related

    Questioned

    So John decided to this post and ask us some questions - I decided I'd let my newest Xanga friend shoot some questions my way. Here's what he asked - He asked two, and as a very kind hearted person, I'll answer both. :)

    How do you keep your heart from becoming so overwhelmed by emotion that it prevents you from doing important things?
    I suppose this means Mr. GP thinks I'm a passionate and emotional person....or something like that. :) I suppose I've always lived life passionately. That means that from a young age I got used to having overwhelming emotions. My brothers and family always teased me about it. It wasn't until my first big heartbreak that I put a giant  halt on the emotional vehemence that runs through my veins. I took every feeling - good and bad - and if it was excessive, I took them all and locked them up in a steel box, locked and put the key away. I think the people around me saw through me though. I was pretending for a long time to not feel anything, but the feelings were there. And it did overwhelm me and it did stop me from doing important things - like living. I mean, I existed - went to work, moved across the country, etc. - but I didn't really live. For a couple of years, the lock box was in full action. My sister in law and close friend joked with me about being a vampire and having a heart of stone. I couldn't even cry anymore. Nothing moved me, even deep and intimate times with the Lord. It was not a pleasant few years, then God delightfully began to wake me up. And it took awhile. But in the awakening, God showed me that emotions and passion are how he made me. They are part of the Amanda that He made and wanted me to BE me in His fullness and not my own. Secure in who I am in HIM, my emotions are flung wildly at Him instead of those around me (mostly), and ultimately, run into the arms of my Strong Tower, a Rock of Stability and Wings that shield me when it gets too much to bear.

    So the real answer is this, How do I keep my heart from being so overwhelmed? Daily & moment by moment, I feel what I feel and I fall at my feet in worship with every single passion - joy, sadness, pain, heartbreak, freedom, happiness, dancing, mourning, all of it. And I sit at His metaphorical feet and say "Through all of this, You are Good, You're plan is perfect and I trust You and know that You love me." - That's how He has taught me to go from simply existing to Living.

    Explain to me how one remains thankful while waiting for something they long for but have not received.

    Truly, a great question and I chose to go ahead and answer it because I think it fundamentally expresses best what God has done in my heart in the last decade. As you can imagine, hopes dashed, heartbreak, disappointed dreams, etc can really do a number on a hopeful spirit. Pretty soon, a person can hear all the lies and begin to believe them - saying out loud that I believe That God is good, that He Loves me and that His plan is good, but fundamentally, you don't live it. In a lack of hope resides a deep lack of faith and belief in who God really is. I had never realized it until a few years before I moved to Virginia and had experienced the 6th or 7th of 13 or 14 weddings to come. I kept watching these girls who were miserable single and cried on my shoulder and I would counsel them to find happiness and joy in Christ alone and let Him work it out in His timing...and then seeing them find guys. I saw girls show up and snatch up the kind, Jesus-loving men around me again and again. Not that I was particularly attracted to any of them, but it was a pin prick each time how they picked someone else. Especially after my own heart-ache, I began to grow increasingly bitter and increasingly disbelieving in God's desire to have good intentions towards me or my life. I never would have verbalized it, and I said loudly and proudly how sure i was God was good and planned good things for me, but I really wasn't living a life out of that framework.

    Then I heard a sermon from our pastor that said that real worship can only come from a thankful heart and an ungrateful heart cannot worship God fully because it was too wrapped up in what it does not have. I was heartily convicted as a member of several worship teams and leading one on my own. At that point I made a determination that I would not settle on bitterness or an un-worshipful spirit in my heart. That was the point that I instituted Thankful Thursday as a regular on my blog. I carried it on weekly for three years and I grew more out of looking for things to be thankful for rather than focusing on all that I didn't have that I wanted. It changed me at my core...it was a fundamental shift in attitude, not just a "hey I'm thankful for food." - it was a way of viewing the world through a different lens. Initially, it was a choice, and a difficult one, but over time it became easier. Now, sometimes I still have to make a choice to have a thankful attitude, but overall - there's just a different heart at work. And the days when it's harder are days when I'm disconnected from God.

    So, Mr. GP, there, my friend are your answers. :)